At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
