Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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