somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
