Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
