the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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