He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
