Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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