Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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