there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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