You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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