I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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