so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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