got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
