Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
