i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
