I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
