Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
