are you still at the devil's house?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
