You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
