Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
