I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
