you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
