Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
