drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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