GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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