I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
