First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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