I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
