just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
