I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I FOUND THE LEGS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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