Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
