I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my shit smells like andre
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
