you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
