...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
