I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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