Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
