did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
