I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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