....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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