you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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