Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
