Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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