I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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