watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
