Soap is not a condiment
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
