I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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