My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
