This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
