Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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