And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
