i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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